LEARNING TO DEAL
WITH TOXIC PEOPLE

“Collector of People” is what I refer to myself as. I love people and love friendships even more. I am a very inquisitive person. People are so fascinating and love to hear their stories. I have moved a lot in my adult life and have met and made cherished friendships along the way. Like all of us in our journey of life, along with good, healthy relationships, we have relationships that are not the most ideal—relationships that have been a mix of stress, negativity, and anger.  Often we refer to these as “Toxic People.” Learning to deal with toxic people is essential. 

Some of those relationships we made by choice and others were forged through circumstances, such as work or family. I once referred to the negative people in my life as toxic. But guess what? There is no such thing as toxic people. The word toxic means poisonous, which refers to something that is consumed by your body and affects your cells.  It’s just not possible for someone to poison your body.

While it’s true that people can put off negative energy, it’s our choice how we decide to let that affect us. We have no control how people behave, whether they are mean, condescending, or rude. However, when you let their behavior affect yours, you are giving them power over your thoughts. People are not toxic, it is how we think and then react that is toxic.  

We have complete control over who we spend time with. You might think you have to spend time with certain people because they are family or because you work with them, but this is not true. Nobody can make you do anything. If we don’t like our boss or co-workers, we can choose to find another job. If we make the choice to spend time with family or friends who are negative, we need to take responsibility for that choice.  

It is true that we tend to act a certain way when we are around different people. We may show up in a way that is not aligned with who we want to be, but it is not their fault we made that choice. If someone is rude to you, it’s not their fault when you are rude back.  We need to take ownership for our own behavior and not justify bad behaviors because of another.  

If you are noticing you are behaving in a way that you don’t like around a certain person, it doesn’t necessarily mean you need to remove that person from your life. It is an opportunity to work on yourself and your thoughts. This may mean setting better boundaries for yourself or changing your thoughts.  If one of your children was giving you a hard time, would you remove them from your life? No. You would work to change your thoughts around the situation as to not react in a way that was mean or unkind.  Learning the same thought process when it comes to other relationships in our life is key. We need to learn to manage our thoughts.

Make the choice who you want to spend time with.  Once we have made that choice we need to own it. We have control over what we think, feel, and do. We never want to give others power or control over the way we think and that is what we do when we let them influence us.  It is important that you do your mind work before, during, and after you spend time with people.  Other people are not toxic. Change the way you look at them.  Remember: whether you choose to spend time with certain people or not, make sure you are in control and feel empowered.