UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

I grew up in Utah but have spent most of my adult life living in other states. I visit maybe once or twice a year.  I remember the first time I went back home to visit. I had anticipated my return for months. I couldn’t wait to be reunited with all my family and friends who I missed so deeply. I had envisioned that everyone I knew and loved would feel that same longing to see me. It would be a huge celebration. Within days of arriving home, I found myself in tears. I was discouraged and disappointed. Plans had been canceled and the “celebration” I had built up in my head was non-existent. I felt under appreciated and unloved. 

I left vowing to never go back. 

I can be a little dramatic. 

Why does this happen? Why do we find ourselves feeling disappointed in how others act toward us? We dwell in feelings of unworthiness because of other people’s actions.  These feelings are misguided and misdirected. Without realizing it, we have formed unrealistic expectations.

One of the most powerful tools I teach my clients is “manuals.” A manual is an unwritten instruction guide for the way we want others to behave so we can feel good about ourselves. Typically, we don’t tell the other person what is in our manual, we just expect them to know how to treat us. It may seem harmless, but it can be emotionally damaging to yourself or your relationships when your happiness is tied to these expectations. 

Sometimes the manual we create for other people includes behaviors that we might adopt ourselves.  When other people don’t follow our manuals we might think, “If that were me I would have dropped everything to spend time with them.” These types of thoughts can lead us to thoughts of unworthiness or sadness. We have to understand that the people we interact with are not us, and we are not them. We have no control over others. 

Other people’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something. No matter what people do, how they act, or what they say, we don’t have to give others the power to determine how we feel. Each of us is responsible for meeting our own needs. All of the power to feel happy lies within you. We want to avoid having our emotional well-being tied to others’ behavior. 

Once you acknowledge that you have manuals for the people in your life, you’ll want to explore what it is you want people to do differently and why. The answer might be that you think if the other person changes their behavior, you will feel better. However, we know that another person’s behavior doesn’t control our feelings. Ever. Take responsibility of how you feel, regardless of others’ behavior. Try to understand that they have their own manuals and that their behaviors are not a reflection of you. 

It’s okay to ask friends and family to behave a certain way, but always remember that whether they decide to honor this request has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. You can choose just to love and enjoy them as they are. When you embrace this concept, it sets you up for very enjoyable, long lasting, and conflict-free relationships. If a friend cancels a lunch date with you at the last minute, let them know you were bummed they had to cancel. But don’t continue to blame them for how they behaved.

My trips home are completely different now. I have thrown away my manual. I don’t try to control others. They can be their true selves, and this is what authentic, intimate relationships are made of. My relationships have improved dramatically. I have let go of my expectations and focus all my time and energy on creating amazing relationships and experiences.